jEvELyN

i am sorry…pls forgive me?

As what most people say, "tao lang ako, pwede ring magkamali…."  It might be true, of course, but for me it’s not just like that, i admit it’s my fault…not because im just a human being but because i made an abrupt judgment.

I am very sorry for the harsh words i have said, sorry for the wrong verdict and for all the accusations.  Truly you’re an angel in disguise!  With your humble reactions, meek and gentle words you made me realize how immature i was.  And I thanked you for caring so much and for not letting our friendship end.

I swear that i wont let this thing to happen again…i cant afford to lose an angel like you…i cant gamble the friendship that we both invest…and i dont want to lose a real friend who really cares…someone like you!

for everything and everyday that we shared, that we experienced, and for all the wonderful memories ahead of our friendship,,,,thank you po!

- jEvELyN -

Whenever I was asked what my motto in life is, I used to say “EXPECT THE UNEXPECTED!”

I believe that we cannot foresee what’s to come.  No matter how prepared we are, still, we tend to be surprised by the changes around us.  Change is constant.  Everything transforms.  Natures evolve.  People, too, really do change.  Including me….

I’ve been through a lot of things.  I’ve experienced happiness. Triumph over trials.  I’ve been victorious at the same time a failure in numerous ways.  I am a tactless person who speaks what I wanted to say.  Whatever I feel, I see to it that I make myself clear.  For me it’s one way of expressing who I was and who I am.  And that’s me…expect the unexpected!

Until I’ve come to realize my shortcomings.  Changes suddenly occur.

I’ve been insensitive to what other people would feel.  I was numb to recognize the confusion in their eyes.  My tactlessness has been hurting them inch by inch.  I’ve been focused dealing with my own emotions and self-expression.  Words can create disagreements, barriers and grudges.  No matter how hard I try to make things right, what I have said and what I have done can’t be undo.  I hope saying I am sorry is enough to break-up the barriers between me and the people around me.

Now I know how self-centered and immature I was!

I have learned to dissect my emotions.  I have learned to shut up and listen. I have learned how to accept and understand explanation.  I have learned to admit my own faults.  I have learned that there are words left unsaid. 

Basically less talk means less mistakes.

- jEvELyN -

Isang mahabang pagluluksa

Sa mga sandaling ito, habang hinahabi ng aking isip ang mga katagang nais itipa ng aking mga daliri, tanging mga ala-ala ng isang magandang samahan ang unti-unting nilalamon ng nakakatakot na katotohanang maaari itong tuluyang maglaho ang syang nakalarawan sa aking balintataw.

Kay tagal ng panahon mula ng huli kong nagisnan ang aking sariling nangangarap, umaasam, nananabik at nagmamahal.  Hindi ko inaasahang muli akong makakadama ng kakaibang ligaya at saya sa piling ng isang taong gumising sa pusong kay tagal nahimbing.  Inaamin kong napakaraming bagay, higit sa lahat ay emosyon, ang pilit kong ibinaon sa limot.  Ngunit sadya nga atang mapaglaro ang tadhana.  Dahil sa hindi inaasahang pagkakataon ay muling bumalong ang napakatinding damdamin na muli ay umalipin sa aking mapusok na puso.  Masidhing pag-ibig nga ba itong nagpapahirap sa aking buong pagkatao?  Tanging pagluha bang muli ang kaagapay ko sa bawat sandaling nag-iisa ako at nalulungkot sa iyong napipintong tuluyang paglayo?  Hanggang kailan ko kayang tagalan ang labang sa simula pa lang ay nakalaan na sa akin ang pagkatalo?  Ito na ba ang simula ng aking malungkot na paglalayag at mahabang pagluluksa?  Kamatayan ba ng ating pagkakaibigan ang katumbas ng lahat ng kaligayahang saglit kong tinamasa?

Alam kong batid mo ang aking tunay na damdamin para sa iyo. 

Ang totoo, nagagalit ako sa sarili ko dahil muli kong hinayaang masaktan ako ng walang kalaban-laban.  Naiinis ako sa mga pagkakataong nilulunod ko ang aking sarili sa kasiyahang idinudulot ng iyong pag-aalaga.  Hindi ko sinasadya ang lahat ng ito at lalong hindi ko ninais na mailagay sa alanganin ang mahalagang sangkap at pundasyon ng ating magandang samahan.  Pagtangis at mga butil na luha ang saksi sa aking impit na daing.  Awa at pighati para sa muling pagkabigo dulot ng makasariling pagtatangi.  Mga ala-alang paulit-ulit na binabalikan sa aking isipang nais makahulagpos mula sa isang  bangungot ng nakaambang pagkamuhi.

Ayoko nang umiyak.  Ayoko nang maging mahina. Ayoko nang magmahal upang sa bandang huli ay maging talunan at paulit-ulit na tanggihan.  Ito na ang wakas ng isang panghabang-buhay na pangarap.  Panahon na upang tigilan ang nakakabinging pagluha ng aking mga namumugtong mata.  Tama na ang masasakit na ala-ala.

Para sa taong muling nagpagulo ng aking tahimik na mundo:

Maraming salamat sa magaganda’t masasayang karanasan, ala-ala at larawan ng ating pagkakaibigan.  Hanggang sa ngayon ikaw ang nasa isip ko, ngunit ang lungkot at kasawiang bumabalot sa aking dibdib ay hindi matutumbasan ng kahit ano.  Nagsisisis akong muli kong hinayaang lumubog sa kumonoy ng matatamis na sandali ang aking sarili.  Kung mayroon man akong pinanghihinayangan, yaon ay ang makitang napunta sa wala ang samahang humabi ng ating kwento.  Patawad para sa isang pagkakamaling minahal ka ng labis sa kabila ng katotohanang hindi ka na malaya.  Sa huling pagkakataon, nais kong malaman mong tunay at walang halong pagkukunyari ang pagmamahal na inialay ko sa iyo.  Lagi kong ipagdarasal ang kaligayahan mo sa piling nya.  Nawa  lagi ka nyang iingatan.  Tandaan mong minsan sa isang yugto ng iyong buhay ay dumaan ang isang katulad ko. Naging padalos-dalos ako marahil, nagpanggap, at nagpumilit lumimot.  Subalit sadyang mahal kita.

Nais kong simulan ang bawat bukas nang wala ka sa aking sistema.  Ngayon nakatakdang maganap ang aking mahabang paglalakbay nang nag-iisa. Tuluyan kong ibabaon kasama ng pait na bumibikig sa aking puso ang pag-ibig na maaaring muling magdulot na aking pagkatalo.  Ito ang araw na magtatakda ng kamatayan ng pagmamahal sa aking pagkatao. Panahon na upang tahakin ko ang daan para sa isang mahabang pagluluksa.

- jEvELyN -

   041007

never thought that it felt so good

i’m used to be kissed with caress

but your’s bring unexpected thrill

anticipation makes me cold and numb

your touch brings a thousand volts

i can’t forget how you look at me tenderly

your embrace secure my restless heart

i know i can pretend but still i can’t deny

that was the most passionate kiss

sweet and erotically enticing

a memory i would always remember

the kiss that takes my breath away

***jEvELyN***

021207

Is it hard to believe Im okay
After all, its been awhile
Since you walked away
Im way past crying
Over you finding someone else
You turned my days into nights (days into nights)
But now I see the light
And this maybe a big surprise to you

But youve made me stronger
By breaking my heart
You ended my life
And made a better one start
You taught me everything
From falling in love
To letting go of life
Yes, youve made me stronger
Baby, by saying goodbye

If you try to believe Im not over you
Go ahead
Theres nothing wrong with making believe
I know
Cuz I used to pretend youd come back to me
But time has been such a friend
Brought me to my senses again
And I have you to thanked (I have you to thanked)
For setting me free (for setting me free)

Cuz youve made me stronger
By breaking my heart
You ended my life
And made a better one start
You taught me everything
From falling in love
To letting go of a lie
Yes, youve made me stronger
Baby, by saying goodbye

Think again
Dont feel so sorry for me, my friend
Oh, dont you know
Im not the one at the loosing end (Im not the one)

Cuz youve made me stronger
By breaking my heart
You ended my life
And made a better one start
You taught me everything
From falling in love
To letting go of a lie
Yes, youve made me stronger
Baby, by saying goodbye

You ended my life
And made a better one start
You taught me everything
From falling in love
To letting go of a lie
Yes, youve made me stronger
Baby, by saying goodbye, goodbye
Youve made me stronger
Baby, by saying goodbye

there are nights when i cant help but cry
and i wonder why you have to leave me
why did it have to end so soon
when you said that you would never leave me

chorus
tell me
where did i go wrong?
what did i do to make you change your mind completely
when i thought
this love would never end
but if this love's not ours to have
i'll let it go
with your goodbye

 why did it have to end so soon
when you said that you would never leave me
tell me
where did i go wrong?
what did i do to make you change your mind completely?
when i thought
this love would never end
but if this love's not ours to have
i'll let it go
with your goodbye... 

It’s really difficult to accept the painful truth in every relationships.  Most people tend to give their best to make it work.  They strive despite the realization that it[relationships] has to be ended.  Failures to commit, being neglected and eventually rejected oftentimes lead to breakups and separations.

They say love gives us reasons to live…it conquers all…that love is blind.

You hardly knew how traumatic i am with my first breakup, and i thanked you for being there pampering and comforting me.  You’re such a good friend, you know what words to say to make me smile.

We’re good friends…but that was before.

How can i forget the most unbelievable scenario between us.  Knowing you really makes me wonder and kept me asking how.  Everything is unexpected and so magical!

I knew things would be complicated…

…that it will hurt me…

…that it will never work…

…and we’ll just end up with regrets.

You told me about your plans.  I told you about my fears.  I was frightened that our friendship might be taken for granted and it might got affected. 

I was afraid to give it a try.

"…i will help you…"

"…you know me very well, i’m different from him…"

"…trust me."

With all these assurance, i gambled once again in this game called LOVE.  Hoping that together we can make it.  Prayers and trust are my shield against uncertainty until affection blossomed in my heart.  I then realized how much you mean to me.  I affirmed that i love you.

What a fool i was!–I’m so dumbed to believe and trust you…

…such a painful realization….  I’ve NEvER noticed that it was a one-sided love affair.

Love is indeed blind!

I really don’t know what went wrong, i did everything for you but it seemed that what i’ve done is not enough to make you love me…even to make you stay.

I thought i can handle it.  But i was definitely wrong!  Knowing that you already have somebody else stab me like a thousand knives.  My senses are numb and i felt like a paralytic…my heart wept in silence…tears burst endlessly…i felt the unbearable pain that stung inside me…all these heart aches exposed the unquestionble existence of my love for you.

Despite what we’ve been through, i’m still inlove with you…truly, madly, deeply inlove with you.  I can’t help to keep away from you.  You’re someone i can’t forget even how much i’ve tried.  I barely knew that you’ve been a part of me, of my system, and being inlove with you is incurable.

***to you my beloved one…im still clueless about your feelings for me…though you haven’t told me the things that i need to know…and now that you’re with somebody else, i just want to let you know that from the time we’ve been together i have been loving you.  I don’t know what to do, i pray that things would turn back to where it should be, i do wish that forgetting you would be easy, and hoping that you’ll realize, somehow, nobody could love you the way i did! 

Thank you for all the memories that i could reminisce during my solitude and loneliness, thank you for making my life worthwhile even just for awhile, and i thanked God that he allowed us to share an affair full of twist…as i bid my last adieu…

…I love You…

…Ti Amo…

*** jEvELyN ***

03-23-06     11:08pm

KAHiT NA NAGMUKHANG TANGA
KAHiT NA SiNASAKTAN AKO
UMiiYAK AKO, DAHiL SA iYO
ETO PA RiN AKO
HALOS BALiW SA iYO

KAHiT NA NiLOLOKO MO LANG AKO
KAHiT NA TUMiNGiN KA SA iBA
MAHAL KA NG iBA
MAG BULAGBULAGAN AKO
MASAKiT MAN iTO, DiTO SA PUSO KO

*CHORUS*
DAHiL MAHAL, MAHAL NA MAHAL KiTA
HiNDi AKO MATATAKOT, MAHiHiYA
ANO MAN ANG SABiHiN NiLA
DAHiL MAHAL, MAHAL NA MAHAL KiTA
GAGAWiN KO ANG LAHAT
PANGAKO MO LANG Di MOKO iiWAN
DAHiL MAHAL, MAHAL NA MAHAL KiTA